The Crackhouse.

As you will recall, quite some time ago I stayed at a place affectionately labelled ‘the crack house’. Unfortunately some of the quirky characters have left including ‘Ralph’, the housemate who I never ever saw but was assured existed, and ‘SinSin the psycho freak’ who tried to burn the place down. But some new people have arrived and hopefully they will give me some stories to tell.

For the moment I thought I would give you a tour.


This is the front of the house. The highlight of my day happens when I come home and find the neighbour’s cat taking a dump in the front yard.

This is the front hall. Yes that is tape holding the lino floor down. And yes, there is lino down the hall, but carpet in the kitchen.
To the right is my room, and the left is Ung’s room. Ung is currently sitting outside shaving his head into the laundry. I look forward to stepping on clumps of his hair in the dark.





This is the kitchen; it has all the usual fixtures. The oven, although present; does not work.
You don’t realise how central a part of the kitchen an oven is. But with a toaster and microwave I’m set! I can make...toast....and I can reheat the stuff I cooked in the oven! Oh wait...
Bacon and eggs it is.




This is the bathroom. You’ll notice the curtains have been carefully selected to match the cobwebs, and modern decor.
I’ve often wondered why they are so wonky, it’s like they were cut to size by a guide dog using a pair of broken sheep shears.
The bathroom has a bath, which has no plug. And you can’t see the shower facilities because they are so small. There is a strict arms up or arms down rule that must be observed at all times in this shower. Attempting to move and lather at the same time will result in severe elbow trauma. Should the water be blasting you in the face- You cannot adjust the height of the shower head, nor can you stand back. You can however turn the water pressure down to a slight dribble.
This makes for an intense and emotional hair washing experience.





This is a bedroom. It contains three Thai girls. One sleeps on the floor, whilst two others sleep in the bed.
One of these girls is called ‘Oh’.
Oh, as in the sound you make when you are slightly shocked at what someone has said. Or when you just understand what they were getting at. In fact when I explain how to say her name to people, they say Ohhhhh! It’s funny if you hear the conversation, if not then... I wonder if people at the office yell stuff like “OH MY GOD”, and she freaks out.
Probably not.
The second girl is called Vicky. There’s nothing interesting about that name. And the third girl has some other boring name.






This is the lounge room. I sometimes see people in here. We speak broken English to each other and then go about our day. An example of a conversation follows.
Jackie: Is Grant mean to you?
Oh: Who is Grant?
Grant: I am Grant
Oh: oh!
Grant: Am I mean to you?
Oh: What?
Grant: Do I box you? Am I boxing you? (See stupid boxing Kangaroo moves)
Oh: No I boxing you!
Sometimes the depth of these conversations scares me.





Here is the laundry. If you ‘tap’ the washing machine in just the right way it will threaten to wash your clothes. The laundry is often full of baskets of wet washing that Justin leaves in the sink. It now has a lovely thick layer of black hair clumps at the door.



Speaking of Justin, here is his door. Yes he lives in the garage. He spends his time writing ‘Hardcore trance’ music, and waving his pet dog around in circles. He will talk to you, but it is all about him, and should you try to speak, you will only be cut off. Should you try to walk away he will follow. A closed door is not enough.
In taking this photo I was spotted, and subjected to a trance song that went for about a million years. He wanted me to give him ideas on what it was missing. "It's just missing one thing but I'm not sure what?" I considered saying "Talent" but I didn't.I said "drums" instead.






This is his dog- Shove Lee (I don’t know how you actually spell it). It means little fox or something lame. Since I last stayed here he has grown out of a few bad habits like stealing socks. But he is yet to grow out of licking your feet, jumping on your clean clothes and getting kicked in the head.

Well, that’ll do for now.
Hope to speak to you soon.